Jaws & The Killer Bee: A Conspiracy Theory

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Jaws & The Killer Bee: A Conspiracy Theory

They say the only way to overcome your fears is to face them head on. I get it. I’ve done it. In fact, just in the last year, I’ve jumped over fire, climbed a mountain, and army-crawled in the mud under barbed wire. Now, these aren’t really things that would give me sleepless nights if I dreamt of them, but they weren’t activities I’d schedule between my normal nerd-activity days.

That's me in the middle - Fire Jumpin' Muddied Crusader

That’s me in the middle – Fire Jumpin’ Muddied Crusader

There are two fears I don’t think I’ll ever get over, however: sharks and bees.

I’m not just scared of these two entities, they leave me paralyzed. Well, maybe not so much paralyzed as flailing my arms around like a crazy woman, making animal-like I’m-going-to-die noises.

I’ve tried to face my fears of them. Really I have! I’ve watched Jaws over 1,000 times, at least! I’m glued to the screen during Shark Week. Sharknado, hell yeah, I was there. Killer Swarm? Yep, been there, watched it. You could almost say I’ve developed an unhealthy addiction to them… on screen. They draw me in like alpha male pheromones.

Sharknado

But face them head on? Yeah, not happenin’. I won’t put one pinky toe in the ocean.

No, Roy, you just need to get out of the damn boat and on dry land!

Once, just once, I went snorkeling, but only because it was my honeymoon and we were in Jamaica. Not a minute went by, though, that I didn’t hear the theme song of Jaws playing between my ears and looked over my shoulder, just knowing that big sucker was lurking in the depths, fin wagging, drooling over me as its next meal. Because sharks do drool, you know.

These fears have manifested themselves into a hybrid of sorts, too. I live around lakes. I love fishing, believe it or not. But I just know there is some big ass muskie down in those murky waters, waiting for me to think its safe enough to go into the water.

Picture this: I’m fishing with my husband in a boat on a lake. The weather is beautiful, calm winds, sun shining, surrounded by wildlife in the distance. We both have our lines out, waiting for that next big bite, when a bee lands near me. My worst nightmare come true. It’s eyeing me up. There’s no where to run. I want to jump up and down, flail my arms like a mad woman, somehow scare the bee into thinking it doesn’t want to mess with me, but if I do, the boat will rock to the point I’d go over and the fanged muskie, which is waiting for me down below will gobble me up. I just know they’ve planned this somehow, this bee and muskie. I’m a honeyed bluegill buffet for them. What else can I do but curl up into myself and whimper like a lost puppy.

You’re probably wondering how I got out of this death trap. Well, my superhero hubby reached right over and swatted that killer bee. With his bare hands! Can you imagine? I’m thinking of making him a cape even though he was laughing at me the whole time.

I don’t know that I’ll ever get over these fears. I’ve been stung before, which didn’t seem to do the trick. And I’m very opposed to throwing myself in some underwater cage like some promised aquatic delicacy. So, I guess I’ll keep practicing my best survival techniques to deal with them.

Image courtesy of IMDB

Image courtesy of IMDB

What about you? Do you have any fears that leave you paralyzed and crying like a baby? Have you faced them? How?

I know I’m not the only shark/bee conspiracy theorist, right? Hello?

LJ

By | 2014-02-09T17:03:46+00:00 February 10th, 2014|Blog, Ramblings|10 Comments

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Author. Mind Ninja. Snickers Stasher. Imaginary Friend Psychic.

10 Comments

  1. Mae Clair February 10, 2014 at 8:40 am - Reply

    LOLOL! Thanks for a fun Monday morning read. First, congrats on surviving that mud crawlin’ fire race πŸ˜€ Looks like you rocked it.

    I’m not fond of bees, but probably not as over-the-top freaked about them as you are. Sharks, yeah. I’ll stand in line with you on that one (and I’ve seen all those shark movies too).

    But the thing that really freaks me out and keeps me looking over my shoulder any time I’m in the woods are bears. Any time hubby and I went hiking he’d tell me to keep an eye out for snakes. And I was like “Snakes? Pff! Forget the snakes, what about the BEARS!!!” Major phobia here!

    • L.J. Kentowski February 10, 2014 at 9:10 am - Reply

      Oh, I can definitely relate to the bear fear. We have a lot of them up where my parents live. Great to see when you’re in a car or house, but not so great out in the open!

  2. Emma February 10, 2014 at 12:23 pm - Reply

    Lol. I know these fears aren’t funny, but you paint a hilarious setting. Jumping over fire, climbing a mountain… You rock.
    I am terrified of snakes. I hate them, Thank God I live in a country where there are no snakes apart from those in the zoo!

    • L.J. Kentowski February 10, 2014 at 12:26 pm - Reply

      Oh yeah…snakes creep me out too! We don’t have many of them around here either, thankfully! But that doesn’t stop me from watching Anaconda wherever it’s on πŸ™‚ See, it’s an addiction!

  3. Kitt Crescendo February 10, 2014 at 5:52 pm - Reply

    You know I have no judgments to throw your way. My reactions to frogs are downright embarrassing. Heck, when one of them landed for a millisecond on my face, I screamed so loud and hard that my neighbor came running. Apparently he thought I was being raped or murdered. 😑 (And living in Florida? There. IS. NO. escape!

    • L.J. Kentowski February 10, 2014 at 5:54 pm - Reply

      Hahaha…no offense, but I love hearing about your froggy woes πŸ™‚

      • Kitt Crescendo February 10, 2014 at 6:03 pm - Reply

        None taken. I’m well aware they’re pretty hilarious. There’s a reason they took up 2 posts. πŸ˜‰

  4. T.F.Walsh February 10, 2014 at 8:13 pm - Reply

    Too funny… I am the same way with sharks and snakes… eeekkk but I watch every possible documentary on them…

    • L.J. Kentowski February 10, 2014 at 8:51 pm - Reply

      They’re fascinating aren’t they? From a distance, of course. I must say they are all beautiful creatures, though.

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