They say the only way to overcome your fears is to face them head on. I get it. I’ve done it. In fact, just in the last year, I’ve jumped over fire, climbed a mountain, and army-crawled in the mud under barbed wire. Now, these aren’t really things that would give me sleepless nights if I dreamt of them, but they weren’t activities I’d schedule between my normal nerd-activity days.
There are two fears I don’t think I’ll ever get over, however: sharks and bees.
I’m not just scared of these two entities, they leave me paralyzed. Well, maybe not so much paralyzed as flailing my arms around like a crazy woman, making animal-like I’m-going-to-die noises.
I’ve tried to face my fears of them. Really I have! I’ve watched Jaws over 1,000 times, at least! I’m glued to the screen during Shark Week. Sharknado, hell yeah, I was there. Killer Swarm? Yep, been there, watched it. You could almost say I’ve developed an unhealthy addiction to them… on screen. They draw me in like alpha male pheromones.
But face them head on? Yeah, not happenin’. I won’t put one pinky toe in the ocean.
No, Roy, you just need to get out of the damn boat and on dry land!
Once, just once, I went snorkeling, but only because it was my honeymoon and we were in Jamaica. Not a minute went by, though, that I didn’t hear the theme song of Jaws playing between my ears and looked over my shoulder, just knowing that big sucker was lurking in the depths, fin wagging, drooling over me as its next meal. Because sharks do drool, you know.
These fears have manifested themselves into a hybrid of sorts, too. I live around lakes. I love fishing, believe it or not. But I just know there is some big ass muskie down in those murky waters, waiting for me to think its safe enough to go into the water.
Picture this: I’m fishing with my husband in a boat on a lake. The weather is beautiful, calm winds, sun shining, surrounded by wildlife in the distance. We both have our lines out, waiting for that next big bite, when a bee lands near me. My worst nightmare come true. It’s eyeing me up. There’s no where to run. I want to jump up and down, flail my arms like a mad woman, somehow scare the bee into thinking it doesn’t want to mess with me, but if I do, the boat will rock to the point I’d go over and the fanged muskie, which is waiting for me down below will gobble me up. I just know they’ve planned this somehow, this bee and muskie. I’m a honeyed bluegill buffet for them. What else can I do but curl up into myself and whimper like a lost puppy.
You’re probably wondering how I got out of this death trap. Well, my superhero hubby reached right over and swatted that killer bee. With his bare hands! Can you imagine? I’m thinking of making him a cape even though he was laughing at me the whole time.
I don’t know that I’ll ever get over these fears. I’ve been stung before, which didn’t seem to do the trick. And I’m very opposed to throwing myself in some underwater cage like some promised aquatic delicacy. So, I guess I’ll keep practicing my best survival techniques to deal with them.
What about you? Do you have any fears that leave you paralyzed and crying like a baby? Have you faced them? How?
I know I’m not the only shark/bee conspiracy theorist, right? Hello?